"You'll never be ready to have kids"

But you can be prepared

If you talk to parents (especially YOUR parents) about how you are feeling unsure about when to have kids, or if you want kids, a common response is… “you’ll never feel ready!”

The implication with this phrase is that because you’ll probably never feel ready to have kids, you should just throw caution into the wind and do it now.

As a therapist, I understand the concept that you will never feel ready. We can spend our whole lives waiting to feel ready to do the things that are important to us. As a parent, I also now understand why people say this. Nothing can truly prepare you for having kids until you have them. But this doesn’t mean that some people are MORE ready and MORE prepared than others.

And it doesn’t mean that people should not at least try to prepare themselves before making a life altering decision. After all, there is a difference between not feeling ready to start a new job, go back to school, or even get married. These things can be abandoned or reversed if you decide you made the wrong decision. Having a child is permanent.

Let’s not pretend that most people are more “ready” to have kids when they are 25 than when they are 15.

Or people who have stable income, housing, a partner and/or a support system will find parenting easier. There is a reason when you try to adopt a pet that there are logistical requirements to be met.

I hate that in our society, having children is supposed to be a choice that defies logic. As though you are a bad parent (before becoming one) for even taking the time to think through your decision and make sure you are prepared and ready for this drastic change.

Of course, you cannot always plan out when you will have kids. It feels like a cruel joke that so many women to spend most of their lives trying to avoid getting pregnant only to discover it is not that easy.

It feels painfully unfair that when you decide you are “ready” to have kids, you have to be cool with getting pregnant in one month or one year¹, because either is normal. That is truly insane if you think about it.

It’s mind-blowing that in this day and age, there is no real test you can take that will tell you much about how long it will take you to conceive.

Photo by Flávia Gava on Unsplash

I also understand saying “you’ll never be ready” to someone who for sure wants kids, and is prepared but they feel scared.

Feeling scared is normal. But fear is not the same as ambivalence. (You can also feel both btw).

Not feeling fully ready is normal. But not logistically being set up to have a child within the next 9 months is completely different.

And this statement seems to have turned into a catch all phrase parents say to non-parents whenever anyone questions whether they want children.

So please, parents stop telling other parents that not feeling ready means nothing and they should just have kids now anyways. This phrase (while technically true) often feels like you are bypassing fence sitters’ real emotions and fears around having kids.

I wish parents would be more honest when people ask us why or how we knew we were ready to have kids.

So here is a list of signs you may be ready to have kids that are more concrete and helpful than “you’ll never be ready.”²

• You have a stable income where you can add the expense of childcare/ afford to have one parent not work

• You are in a stable partnership and have a solid relationship with said partner and want to have kids with them. You are able to communicate and work through issues with each other.

• You have stable housing

• Your mental health is in a relatively good place (you feel you could undergo some stress and change and get through it)

• You are in relatively good physical health and have access to healthcare for yourself and your child when they come

• You have some type of support system in your life. This doesn’t need to be family. It could be friends, spiritual community, or the ability to afford paying for help or support.

• You are willing to prioritize your child and learn how to be a parent.

• A bigger part of you wants to have a child than doesn’t. You don’t need to be 100% sure, but aim for at least 51%. You can still be scared and want a child.

You may never feel fully ready to have a child, but you can be prepared.

I would love to hear from you…how do you feel about the phrase “you’ll never be ready to have a child”.

Amanda

1. Or longer! So many women struggle with fertility issues in silence, especially those who were fence sitters feel extra shame.

2. Obviously many people have kids without this list, and there are ways to make it work without this. And it sucks that a lot of this is inherently tied to privilege. However, the unfortunate truth is children are extremely expensive, especially in America, and these are something to consider as you decide if you want kids and when.