What if I regret having a child?

A serious consideration that we are supposed to pretend never happens but it does

Before I had a child, my biggest fear (and reason for sitting on the fence) was that I would regret having a child.

I spent countless hours on reddit and other forums scrolling through posts by parents trying to get honest feedback about get a pulse on how many parents regret having children. There is a whole reddit thread dedicated to this if you are curious.

From the likes of the internet, it seemed like many people DID regret having kids. Or at the very least they were LESS happy than before they had children.

I often lamented to my husband… “I literally do not understand why people have kids? Everyone seems miserable!”

So I started to investigate by asking parents I knew if they were happy they had kids. Their answers were unhelpful at best. Some would say, “it’s really hard but I love my children more than life itself. I would die for them.” I couldn’t imagine dying for anyone. Even my husband who I love more than anyone.

Another common answer… “I never really thought about it, I just always knew I wanted to be a mom!”

You didn’t THINK about it!? I could not relate at all. This is the most life altering choice you can make and you didn’t think it through? It’s not like a pair of jeans you can return. You can switch careers later in life, or even get divorced, but you cannot take back having a child. Even more so, you are irreversibly changed. You will always be tethered to this human being for the rest of your life. Even if you were sure you wanted to be a parent, it seems worth thinking through logistically.

Photo by Zahra Amiri on Unsplash

Others would say, “children gave my life meaning. Before having kids, my life was empty, now I have a bigger purpose!” I felt like my life already had a lot of meaning. I was extremely passionate about my career and my business felt like my baby in a way. Maybe individuals without careers they are passionate are better suited to be parents, I wondered?

I ran my theory by a friend who was a parent and also had a fulfilling career to see what she thought. To my disappointment she said, “I love my career still. And it can be really hard to be a working mom. I feel split a lot. But my kids give me an even deeper sense of purpose. And on some days, it’s really nice to know that I can be fulfilled from other things than work.” I felt like I was back to square one.

Another friend said, “Having kids is so fun! It just makes everything more fun. We go to the pool and my kids freak out in excitement over the splash pad. We go pumpkin picking and seeing the joy on their faces as they pick out the biggest pumpkin makes my day. They make even simple things like going to costco fun.”

I didn’t tell her this, but I had been pumpkin picking with her kids before and all I remembered was them crying in the car home because it rained. I do think she genuinely has tons of fun with her kids though… I’ve seen it. She is incredibly laid back and thrives in chaos though, unlike myself. Maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a parent.

I feared with these vague answers that parents weren’t being honest with me. Or maybe they weren’t being honest with themselves. Maybe they were so far down the rabbit hole they couldn’t face the fact that they were a lot less happy since they had kids.

I scoured the internet for studies on human happiness. Across the board, studies say that parents report being less happy when they have kids, but also their children are the thing that they are the proudest of and bring them the most joy.* WTF does that mean! Nobody could give me any logical reasons why they loved having kids that made sense to me.

As I deliberated over my list of pros and cons, I had a lot more cons on my sheet. I came to the conclusion that no rational human being would decide to take on the responsibility for another human being if they thought through this logically. But everyone seems to do it. What was I missing?

After a few more years of fence sitting, I finally came to the conclusion that while logically, I knew life may be harder and my happiness may dip for a bit, I did want to become a parent. I didn’t suddenly have baby fever or anything, but I wanted that experience of raising a child who would grow into an adult.

I still feared I may regret having a child, but I thought, after one particularly intense therapy session, that there was a greater likelihood that I would regret not having a child. I wasn’t 100% sure about having kids, but I did feel like I was no longer 50/50 and a greater part of me wanted to have a child than didn’t.

Photo by Stills By Hernan

Now that I have a child, I can say I understand sometimes why parents give vague and confusing answers. But I also think a lot of parents forget how hard it was to make this choice, or what it felt like to be truly scared of making a mistake.

That is part of why I am writing about this, because I am determined to remember how I felt before having kids. I want to bridge the gap between previous and current fence sitters. Because I think as someone who got off the fence, I do have a lot of wisdom to share. But it is also hard because I know I have been irreversibly changed by having a child so my words are biased.

But, to those of you who fear you will regret having a child, here is my message.

I think it’s rare for someone to truly regret having a child. The people I have found who do, often didn’t think through having children and a huge part of their journey involved reckoning with how much harder it was than they expected. Or maybe they had unrealistic expectations that a child would complete them, fix their partnership or solve all their problems.

People can have feelings of regret and this doesn’t mean they regret having their child. They can complain, struggle and need help… aka what I talked about in my post from last week but this doesn’t necessarily mean they regret having kids. The hardest part of being a parent in my opinion is trying to regulate your own emotions when you are overstimulated in the face of a dysregulated child.

So, I also think it is important to be clear that the less support you have, the harder it will be. And I think it’s extremely wise that people are thinking through logistical concerns such as finances, access to support, childcare, healthcare and your mental and physical health. I hate the rhetoric that having children should just be a choice “made out of love” and not logic, when there are REAL logistical constraints and considerations, especially in America.

When I see people on reddit saying they regret having kids, they most often discuss how they are drowning while taking care of their children without support rather than actually discussing how they dislike their child (though I have seen some say this and nothing is impossible).

As always please keep in mind I have no agenda here. I am simply someone who was a fence sitter for many years who had a child and am trying to share from the other side.

So to my fence sitters here is a journaling question I leave you with that may help you gain clarity…

What decisions have I regretted in life? Did I regret them immediately? Later? Do I still regret them? Why do I regret them?

Getting familiar with your regrets can help you determine if you are likely to regret having kids.

Thanks so much for reading and I would love to hear from you. Your comments help inspire me to write these posts.

If you’d like to connect with me more and have your specific questions answered, consider becoming a paid subscriber. If there is enough interest, I may set up monthly support groups for fence sitters.

---

To find my other work, check out my book “Not Drinking Tonight”. To learn more about my practice or work with a therapist, visit Therapy for Women Center. Follow me on Instagram or Tiktok. I am also taking a VERY limited number of new clients, if you live any of the following states: PA, MO, FL, VT. If you are interested email info@therapyforwomencenter.com