Parents who sound like they hate being parents

It's not the full story

Last weekend, I went back to Philly for a work event and go to stay with a few friends. It was a great trip and honestly a really nice break from the fact that my daughter has been sick non stop since she started daycare three weeks ago.

I love going back to Philly for a variety of reasons, but one of them is I get to stay with my close friends who don’t have children. I love seeing and staying with my friends who have kids too… but there is a certain exquisite pleasure of the former. I get to slip back into my old pre-child life seamlessly, and play pretend for a weekend if you will. (If you don’t know, I used to live in Philly and moved to Tampa over a year ago).

I love this ritual so much, I literally, if possible, would encourage new parents to do this if you can and have a partner. Time to connect with each other is important, but so is time away to do your own thing. And this can be possible if you and your partner can cover for each other. I fly to Philly to see friends, my husband goes fishing.

I posted about this in my story last night and received this message from someone.

I don’t think this person was being malicious. And I am not offended by this message. In fact, I was this person a few years ago.

I’m ashamed to admit but before I had my daughter, when people complained about their kids, there was always a part of me that thought.. “Umm why did you have kids then?” Or, “You signed up for this!”

It’s interesting we tolerate complaining about most things… nobody gets upset if we complain about our jobs… but with kids it hits a button.

And it used to hit mine too. Especially if you are torn about deciding to have children, every complaint or negative comment from parents can feel like a piece of evidence you collect and hold on to. As though you need to store it away. You may need it in the future to build your case if you don’t have kids.

But now I understand, you can struggle and complain about your children and still love them dearly, love your life and not regret your choice.

But it is so hard to explain to someone who doesn’t have children. And I can’t exactly figure out why. I think that is a huge reason I wanted to write about this.. I am trying to reckon my past fence sitter self with my current self as a mother. If I saw my self post that, I think I would also be like “ugh, sounds like you hate your life!” But I don’t. And I’m trying to figure out how to explain to her why.

The best analogy I can come up with is that parenting is… ALL CONSUMING. Especially in the first few years. And this compounds the more kids you have. So with most other decisions you make, activities you do or identities you take on, you still get to be yourself a lot of the time. Yes, you can feel consumed by your job, but there is some separation from it.

The stakes are higher with kids too because you are terrified about them dying all the time. And in the first few years of their lives, a huge part of your job is quite literally stopping them from trying to kill themselves every 5 seconds. So, it’s not that you don’t love your child or love being a parent, it is just that parenting, even with a partner, is an incredibly intense experience in the first few years.

One where you feel like your brain cannot turn off. So it’s wonderful when you get a little break away from your child and can remember your humanity… when you can remember that you are still you under there.

Someone once told me that when parents complain, it’s not that parents don’t like their kids… it is that they dislike all the labor that comes with taking care of their kids. And I think that is a helpful way to think about it. They aren’t complaining about their kids so much as they are complaining about the laundry, diaper changing and grabbing shoes away from their toddlers before they lick them.

Photo by CDC on Unsplash

And if you separate the labor that comes from having a child from the love of that child, you can see clearly that parents are complaining about all the work, not the kid. And I think that is true for most things we complain about in life….

We complain about the fact that our partner leaves dishes in the sink, but this does not mean we don’t love them or feel very fulfilled in that partnership. We complain about the hassle of driving to see a long distance friend, but this doesn’t mean we don’t love our friend or want to see them. We can do things that are irritating but still find the work of it very worth it in the end.

And I believe that is why parents complain but do not regret their choice. They are frustrated at the labor, but find it worth it because they love their child so much.

I could go on and on with reasons but I fear you will start to think I am simply rationalizing my choice. The weird thing about the choice to have kids… nobody is unbiased. Nobody can ever live their life having kids, then go back and not and compare and see which life was better. Furthermore, I think for most, once you have kids you love them so much, you cannot imagine not having them.

I have never felt like I regretted having her…ever. I love my daughter more than I can comprehend. But I do still need time alone, and time away from her sometimes to remember that I am MORE than just her mother. I don’t think that makes me a bad parent. And I don’t think that means that I hate being a parent. I think you can need and want time away from your partner and that doesn’t mean that you hate being married.

However, I also don’t think having children is necessarily the “better” life. I think it’s a different one. And I think a lot of us could be potentially happy with either. That may be why so many of us sit on the fence for so long.

We can see a great life either way. So if that is the case, the question becomes, which life is more appealing to you? Or which life path will you regret not taking less?

I would love to hear from you and hear if this is helpful.

Thank you so much for being here and reading!

Warmly,

Amanda

To find my other work, check out my book “Not Drinking Tonight”. To learn more about my practice or work with a therapist, visit Therapy for Women Center. Follow me on Instagram or Tiktok. I am also taking a VERY limited number of new clients, if you live any of the following states: PA, MO, FL, VT. If you are interested email info@therapyforwomencenter.com