My Favorite Parenting Hack is Having One Child
Why I am proudly one and done
"When are you having another one?"
It's the question that inevitably follows once your first child reaches a certain age. Or if I am being honest, it starts happening before that. Like when your baby is a few weeks old and you are still woozy and shaky from being run over by a truck oops I mean giving birth! People love to tell early postpartum women, “Don’t you worry honey, you will forget all about your birth experience soon! It’s mother nature.”
It feels uniquely patronizing.. as if a difficult or traumatic birth or pregnancy doesn’t even matter because my silly little brain will trick me into forgetting soon.
Almost everyone—from excited family members to curious colleagues to total strangers at Target—assumes a family with just one child is incomplete.
Each time I respond with "We're not," I brace myself for the predictable reactions: disbelief, judgment, unsolicited advice, and often, a strange sense of personal affront – as if this choice somehow challenges the validity of others' decisions.
What fascinates me most about these exchanges isn't just the presumption that I should want more children, but the intensity with which people advocate for the importance of having more than one child.
When I explain I'm happily "one and done," the responses range from
Dismissive ("You'll change your mind")
Concerned ("But she'll be so lonely!")
Downright judgmental ("That's selfish")
The decision about how many children to have is deeply personal, shaped by countless factors from health considerations to career aspirations, financial realities, and fertility, to relationship dynamics. Yet it remains one of the few life choices where everyone seems to feel entitled to weigh in.
Our Journey to "One and Done"
When I was making the choice to have a child at all, my husband and I got off the fence because we agreed to have just one. We (now I can say we agreed with Chappel Roan) and assessed that all our friends with kids seemed miserable, but they also had multiple children.
We said what most parents say to themselves… we will be different. In our case, we'd have just one!
Granted, we didn't know anyone who only had one child, but we did a lot of research about it and convinced ourselves that this was THE parenting secret!
The truth is, parenthood as a whole has been 10x more joyful and fulfilling than I imagined but also I have had phases where it has been 10x harder than I hoped (daycare sickness, I'm looking at you).
When I was unbearably sick during pregnancy, (like, couldn't-keep-water-down sick) I soothed myself to sleep at night by repeating "you never have to do this again, you never have to do this again." I didn't know if that was true, but that's what I hoped for. I was then shocked by the love and joy I had for my daughter.
There was a period of time when she was 6 months old... in the most incredible sweet spot where she was sleeping through the night and interactive and smiley but wasn't running around yet... where we tossed around the idea of having another.
I vividly remember us looking at each other and being like… what are people complaining about? This is a piece of cake. Reader, it did not stay that way. Toddlerhood has been seriously kicking our ass and I am so incredibly grateful we only have one child.
I know some of you are thinking, you can still change your mind! It gets better once they turn 3 or 4. But I truly love and feel complete being a family of three.
Reasons Not to Have Another Child
Once your kid turns one, there's this weird societal current that starts pulling you toward baby #2. Everyone's doing it. Your Instagram feed is nothing but second pregnancy announcements. You see people with second kids who firstborn are the same age as yours. It feels like you are being pulled by a current to try again. And we had moments where I thought we may get swept up in it.
But I kept coming back to this... I would be having another because it felt like the "right" thing to do... because it's what everyone does. And there's nothing my Millennial self doesn't appreciate more than fitting in.
I would be doing it in hopes it would assuage my fears about her being an only child, and because I would feel less guilty if she feels lonely. But I grew up with a sibling and admittedly was extremely lonely because we moved a lot growing up. No matter how big my family was, this likely wouldn't change.
I thought about having another because who will I spend half my holidays with when she grows up and maybe has a partner or a family of her own?
I thought about having another because it feels safer(?). This is brutal to say out loud – if something happened to her, we'd still be parents? That thought actually crossed my mind. But then I realized that's insane. I would never be okay if my child died, no matter how many kids I had. And that's a terrible reason to create an entire human being.
I strongly believe in the phrase: have another child because YOU want to have another, not because you want to give your child a sibling. And the honest truth is, if I had another, it would be for one of those reasons, not out of desire or out of my values (freedom, ambition, friendship to name a few).
You've likely heard people say "you'll never regret having another child" or something similar. This well-intentioned advice is actually confusing as hell.
The interesting thing is, I don't even necessarily think I would regret having another. I could see myself changing, adapting, and rearranging my life to make room. I would likely love my second child immensely and maybe even find myself thinking, "I can't believe I almost didn’t do this!"
If The White Lotus taught us anything, it's that humans have an incredible ability to justify our lives and decisions, and I'm sure I would be no different. We adapt. We find ways to make peace with our choices.
But here's the crucial point – just because I don't think I would necessarily regret having another child doesn't mean I want to or should. I don't have a strong enough desire to do so, and that matters.
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What Research Actually Says About Only Children
When I read Lauren Sandler's book "One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child, and the Joy of Being One," I finally felt validated in my choice. Sandler cuts through centuries of stereotypes and misconceptions with both personal experience and solid research.
These negative perceptions have persisted since 1907, when G. Stanley Hall, the first president of the American Psychological Association, infamously called only children "sickly, selfish, strange, and stupid" and declared that "being an only child is a disease in itself."
But as a recent New Scientist article points out, historically, only children were statistical outliers. Until reliable contraception became available in the 1960s, single-child families often indicated some kind of family issue like poor health. No wonder the stereotypes stuck around.
Here's what the research actually shows:
Mental health advantages: A 2023 meta-analysis involving nearly 240,000 participants found only children were actually less likely to experience depression, anxiety, and OCD than those with siblings.
The "lonely only" myth debunked: Research from 2022 with over 1,200 young adults found that only children reported feeling less lonely than those with siblings. As psychologist Toni Falbo notes, "The evidence is not there."
Cooperation instead of competition: In one of Falbo's studies, only children were more likely to respond cooperatively in games than children with siblings. She concluded that "growing up with siblings enhances interpersonal competitiveness rather than cooperativeness."
Cognitive benefits: Only children tend to perform slightly better on IQ tests and in school, likely because parents can dedicate more resources and time to a single child.
One of the most compelling aspects of Sandler's research involves what I think of as a "magnifying effect" in only-child families. Without siblings to buffer family dynamics, the quality of the parents' relationship becomes even more crucial.
When parents have a strong, healthy relationship, only children benefit tremendously from the undivided attention and resources. Their close relationship with parents provides a stable foundation for development. However, when there's tension between parents, this too can have a stronger impact on an only child who doesn't have siblings to turn to.
This is why I feel it's so important that my husband and I prioritize our relationship. It's not just for us – it's creating the environment our daughter experiences every day.
Our Family Experience: The Best of Both Worlds
I love having an only child. It feels like the best of both worlds. I get to keep one foot firmly planted in my ambition and career, and the other in parenthood. I don't have to fully surrender into spending all of my free time with my family, but I still get to enjoy the magic of being a parent. I can trade off taking care of her with my husband, which means we each still have time for friends and hobbies.
I love that my attention can be fully spent on her when I'm not working. The idea of splitting my already limited time feels... wrong. And while I know many parents feel this and then say their heart just grows when they have another child... I don't want it grow. My heart already feels huge as it is. I love getting to tell her she is mama’s favorite.
Our family has created systems that would be much harder—maybe impossible—with multiple children. My husband and I both have different passions and interests. He's incredibly passionate about deep sea fishing, and we have a system where we trade off a few weekends a year where we each get to go away and do whatever we want. With one child, this arrangement works beautifully—we each maintain parts of our pre-parent identities while the other parent handles solo duty. We've often acknowledged that with multiple toddlers, these restorative breaks would likely disappear from our lives entirely.
My husband and I have definitely had challenges since having a child and undergone stress, but we are even more committed than I think we would be because we are aware of the magnifying effect. It has made us even more invested in our relationship, and we have more time because we only have one child. This awareness has transformed potential vulnerability into a strength for our family.
My life already feels big and vulnerable because of the nature of my job. I run a services business with many therapists who I continuously worry about and manage. My plate feels full and I don't want to stretch myself anymore.
A lot of deciding how many children to have involves weighing the goodness and fulfillment of your current life against the potential risks and benefits of adding a new person to your family. You have to be okay with the risk of making your life much harder and more complicated for the potential joy and fulfillment you might get. (This is something even people who are deciding to have a child or not have to weigh as well).
I feel maximally fulfilled having one child while maintaining my career. I love that I can take on side projects and creative outlets (like this one) and I'm not convinced the benefits of having another would outweigh the career sacrifices I would have to make. I'm not sure I could stand to outsource even more responsibilities or reduce my time with my daughter when adding another child into the mix. So this feels firmly like the right choice for me.
Wistfulness v. Regret
Sometimes I do feel a twinge of sadness when I see siblings playing together, knowing my daughter won't have that specific experience. But I've learned to distinguish between what I call "wistfulness" and actual regret.
Wistfulness is a gentle acknowledgment of roads not taken. It's the ability to see that multiple paths could have brought joy and fulfillment, without needing to invalidate the path you did take. It's saying "that could have been beautiful too" rather than "I should have done that instead."
My daughter is currently OBSESSED with babies—like, stops strangers in stores to coo at their infants—and sometimes I think, "Am I depriving her?" But you can feel grief and still know you are making the right decision.
That's the thing nobody tells you about big life choices. You don't get to feel 100% awesome about them 100% of the time. The occasional sadness doesn't invalidate the rightness of the path I've chosen.
One lesson I have learned the hard way: just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD. There are an infinite amount of choices in this life that we can make, but one thing that is finite is our time and energy.
Maybe I am selfish for wanting to keep my relationship with myself. Maybe my daughter will grow up to hate me and be furious that she did not get a sibling. But I firmly believe that having one child makes me a better parent. It's funny how we tell parents to put their own oxygen mask on first (aka take care of themselves), but then get mad at them when they do.
I've made peace with being "one and done" because it feels right for our family. It allows me to be the best parent I can be while maintaining my identity, career, and relationship. Rather than seeing it as a compromise, I now see it as the optimal choice for all of us. Luckily now there is research that I can also point to.
And honestly, I am sick of women needing a "good enough" reason to do anything they want with THEIR life. Desire is a plenty good reason.
I would love to hear from you. Do you relate?
xx,
Amanda
The distinction between wistfulness and regret was super helpful. I will remember that for clients. “Our family is complete with one child” the phrase I worked on with my therapist. The fact that I spent even one minute in therapy justifying my choices is depressing but my anxious parts needed that. I appreciate you laying out the research. I know it’s the best choice for us and yet people can be very insistent it’s not based on research and old tropes about only children.
Absolutely agree, it’s best for all of us. We feel complete with just the three of us ❤️