In Defense of Fence Sitting
Maybe ambivalence is a revolutionary act
I hate the narrative that if you're on the fence about having kids, it means you definitely shouldn't have them. I've heard it repeated in on social media, and in well-meaning advice columns: "If you're not 100% sure, DO NOT HAVE THEM!"
I get why people say this but how often are you 100% sure about every choice you make before you take it? I am a pretty decisive person but I still would not say I have zero doubts.
Our culture has become increasingly black and white in our thinking, which has made us all even less interested in nuance. But I would argue that there is something powerful about ambivalence – about allowing ourselves to sit with uncertainty and really question what we want. To tolerate different perspectives and emotions. To imagine what our life would be like with children and without. And even to recognize… both lives could be great.
The very act of women openly questioning this choice represents a profound shift in how we think about motherhood and female identity. I really believe it is not something to be ashamed of or rushed through. It's something to be honored.
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Often our fear of ambivalence stems from the idea that somewhere, buried deep in our souls, there's one "right" answer about whether to have children. As if we just need to dig deep enough, go to therapy enough, meditate long enough, or journal enough, we will uncover the absolute truth about what we should do.
The problem is.. there is no fundamentally "right" decision. There's just the decision you make with the information you have at the time.
This is the hardest part to accept when you're on the fence. We want certainty. We want to know we're making the correct choice. We want to feel 100% confident before making such a life-altering decision. After all, this is the only choice you can’t take back. But what if the feeling of certainty is actually a myth?
You fundamentally cannot know what it's like to have a child without having one. No amount of babysitting, no number of heart-to-hearts with parent friends, no stack of parenting books can truly prepare you for the reality. It's like trying to understand what falling in love feels like before you've ever experienced it – you can intellectually grasp the concept, but the lived experience is something entirely different.
We can't A/B test our lives. We can't live one version where we have kids and another where we don't, then compare notes at the end. We have to choose one path, knowing we'll never fully understand what the other might have held.
That perfect moment of clarity might never come. Instead, we have to make peace with making the best decision we can with the information we have at the time. It's okay to make decisions without perfect information. It's okay to choose a path knowing you can't possibly understand all its implications. It's okay to be uncertain.
This isn't just about having kids – it's about how we make any major life decision. We gather information, we consider our values, we think about our resources and constraints, and then we make the best choice we can with what we know right now. And yes, sometimes new information comes along that might have changed our decision if we'd known it earlier. That's just part of being human.
It’s beautiful to watch our generation be so thoughtful about this choice. It is also cruel sometimes… we have to decide if we want to have children before we even know if we are able to. But I digress. We're asking hard questions about climate change, about emotional readiness, about financial stability, about our capacity to parent differently than we were parented. These are important questions – but they're also questions that don't have definitive answers.
Sometimes I worry that we've overcomplicated this decision. In trying to make the "right" choice, we can get paralyzed by the weight of it all. We can get so caught up in seeking perfect certainty that we forget that sometimes, good enough is good enough.
Even now, having a child who is almost 2 years old (insert an overused parenting phrase about how time flies!) I still don't have perfect certainty. I have days where I'm overwhelmed with gratitude, and days where I question everything. I have moments where I miss my old life, and moments where I can't imagine any other life but this one. I don’t regret her one bit… but I am still a human and still feel like I am figuring out motherhood.
Regardless of which choice you make, you can lead a fulfilling and wonderful life. And both choices will lead to challenges and regrets. There's no perfect choice that will shield you from difficulty or guarantee happiness.
So stop searching for the "right" decision. Instead, focus on making the best decision you can with the information you have right now. Accept that uncertainty is part of the process, not a sign that you're doing it wrong. There will always be parts of you that are scared. You may never get to 100% sure. I would aim instead for a majority share.
Your thoughtfulness about this decision isn't a weakness – it's a strength. Your willingness to sit with uncertainty, to really consider the implications of your choice, to gather information and think things through – these are all valuable parts of the decision-making process.
Just remember that at some point, you have to make peace with not knowing everything. You have to accept that you're making the best decision you can with the information you have at this moment. And that's not just okay – it's all any of us can ever do.
Thanks for reading. As always, I would love to hear from you!
Amanda
**To learn more about me and support my work, check out my podcast “Nuance Needed” , read my book, “NOT DRINKING TONIGHT” or if you are interested in therapy, check out my practice, Therapy for Women Center. We have therapists in person in Philadelphia or virtually in 42 states online.**
Recently on the podcast…
Do you recommend setting a deadline and making a decision by that time? Any tips on how not to rush and pressure yourself to decide prematurely but recognize when you’re not going to get any more clarity and it’s time to decide with what you already know/feel/think?