How to Make Parenting Work for You

Or why I didn't breastfeed or sleep with my daughter in my room

Last week, I found myself in a cliche mom moment. I'd been rushing to get my daughter to daycare so I could focus on work, feeling relieved when I finally sat at my desk alone. Then midday I caught myself watching videos of her on my phone instead of editing the podcast I was supposed to be working on. The same work I was desperate to get to suddenly felt less important than watching a 30-second clip of her sing Baby Shark for the hundredth thousandth time.

This push and pull perfectly sums up my parenting journey - desperately wanting space and then missing my daughter the moment I get it. Most of what we see online about motherhood exists in rigid extremes that don't reflect the messy, beautiful contradictions of real life.

One thing I rarely see discussed honestly online is how much freedom we actually have in designing our approach to parenthood. Instead, we're bombarded with rigid expectations of what "good parenting" looks like—often from people showing carefully curated glimpses of their lives.

The Impossible Binary of Motherhood

Have you noticed how discussions about motherhood tend to fall into two extremes? On one side, there's the Pinterest-perfect mom who lovingly homeschools six children while running a homestead and a business (and somehow has time to bake sourdough bread from scratch every morning). On the other, there's the completely overwhelmed parent who hasn't showered in days, surviving on cold coffee and chaos.

But here's the thing that's rarely discussed... what if neither of these extremes has to be your reality?

The most mind-bending part of parenthood for me has been experiencing two completely opposite emotions simultaneously. I find myself dying for my daughter to go to sleep at night, but then when she finally does, I miss her so much that I catch myself watching her sleep on the baby monitor.

It's the same with date nights with my husband. At the beginning of the night, I think to myself, "My god, this is incredible! We need to do this much more! We should go on a trip together every few months!" But then by the end of the night, we're often coming home before we said we would because we want to see her. It's this constant pull between wanting connection and needing separation that nobody prepared me for.

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Knowing Your Parenting Strengths (And What You Suck At)

One of the most liberating realizations I've had is that I don't have to excel at every aspect of parenting. I'm not naturally obsessed with babies. I became more interested in them since I had one, but I was never someone who wanted to hold anyone's baby or thought they were particularly adorable. If someone asked me to hold their newborn, I'd often just say no. I literally thought babies were basically blobs until my good friend had a very cute baby and I thought, "Okay, maybe this wouldn't be so terrible."

You might have developmental stages you're naturally better at navigating. When I read my daughter emotion books and see her identify when different characters are feeling sad or angry, I feel like I'm crushing it as a parent. And when she gets frustrated and takes a deep breath like I've taught her? Total win. But when she needs very intense stimulation and attention and wants someone to play with her for hours on end? Not my strength at all.

Research backs this up too. Studies show that parents report different levels of happiness, stress, and meaning depending on their children's ages with many parents experiencing moments of ambivalence. This doesn't mean you're a bad parent - it simply means you're experiencing the normal contradictions that come with loving someone so much while also finding aspects of the role challenging.

You don't need to be amazing at every single aspect of parenting. No one is! And your child will benefit from different influences throughout their life.

Designing a Support System That Works For YOU

Perhaps the most important element of designing your parenthood experience is creating the right support structure. I've had friends who have candidly admitted:

"If I didn't have help, if I wasn't able to have my motherhood set up the way that it is, I would find motherhood to be very difficult and probably not enjoyable."

This isn't something to be ashamed of… it's self-awareness.

I'm the same way. When my daughter was a newborn, my husband and I didn't even sleep together—we took shifts caring for her. I'm a night owl, so I would take her from 10pm-5am, and he was responsible from 5am-11am. This gave us each a guaranteed 6-hour block of sleep. This also meant we didn’t sleep with her in our room because someone was always up. It was a total gamechanger and honestly one reason I didn't hate the newborn phase like so many people do.

I also didn't breastfeed, which was one of the best decisions I made for my mental health. I wasn't particularly interested in it, and my psychiatrist pointed out that since I struggled with depression while pregnant, breastfeeding's hormonal changes might not be ideal for me. Even when lactation consultants at the hospital tried to pressure me, I stuck to my guns.

(Okay this is an exaggeration, I will admit, I didn’t want to tell them no so I kept shooing them away. In my defense, I was also not in my right mind when they visited a few times because I was very sick after giving birth and my daughter was in the NICCU. We don’t talk enough about the pressure lactation consultants put on you in the hospital, but that is a post for another day).

Before you judge me, I was honest with my pediatrician. So no harm, no foul. I felt guilty sometimes for sure and questioned myself, but I am so glad I trusted myself. My daughter needed a mother who was mentally stable more than she needed to be breastfed. I will die on the hill that choosing your wellbeing as a mother is one of the best things you can do for your child.

Now that I have one child, it can sometimes feel selfish when my husband and I rotate being with her or take breaks—I know parents with multiple kids don't have this luxury—but I've discovered I'm a much better parent and actually enjoy my time with her more when we split up and get breaks.

The key is rejecting the notion that there's only one "right" way to parent.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Small Changes Can Make a Huge Difference

A friend recently shared a brilliant insight about how small adjustments to her schedule dramatically improved her parenting experience:

"If my partner and I can get a babysitter from 10 to noon on a Sunday morning and we spend the entire rest of the day with our kids, it feels so different. Just being able to go to the gym and shower in peace completely transforms how the rest of our day goes."

This perfectly captures what I wish more people would talk about—the small but significant ways we can structure our lives to make parenting more sustainable. Two hours on a Sunday morning isn't a huge chunk of time, but it can completely transform how the rest of the day feels.

Research confirms this too. Parenting professionals point out that healthy boundaries are important and that small breaks can make a significant difference in the quality of interaction between parent and child. Even brief periods of separation can help both parents and children develop independence and enjoy their time together more.

Breaking Free from "Should"

When I work with clients who are fence-sitting about parenthood, I often ask them to separate their thoughts into different categories:

• Pure desire (what you actually want)

• Fear (what scares you)

• External expectations (what you think you "should" do)

• Practical barriers (logistical challenges)

I ask them, "If you could do parenthood however you wanted to do it and it would be accepted and you could know that nothing bad would happen... would you then want to have a child?"

Many people don't even know the answer because they're so constrained by "shoulds":

• If I have a child, I have to have more than one because it's selfish to have an only child.

• If I have a child, I have to homeschool them or I can’t send them to daycare

• If I have a child, I have to stay at home.

• If I have a child, I have to breastfeed for at least a year.

But what if you rejected all those "shoulds" and designed parenthood in a way that works with YOUR unique strengths, priorities, and circumstances?

**I also want to note, not everyone has the privilege to do this. For example, many parents would want to stay home or not say home in order to have children but for various reasons such as finances or lack of suitable care options for their child may not have a choice** I still think it is a good mental exercise though, so you can see what type of parenthood you would be interested in, and then see if its possible.

The Freedom to Choose

We need to normalize parents structuring their lives in ways that work for them—whether that means having one child instead of several, using childcare, formula feeding, or any other arrangement that helps you and your family thrive.

The most compelling research on this topic comes from international studies. Research examining 22 countries found that the "parenthood gap" in happiness (where parents report lower happiness than non-parents) varies dramatically by country, with the United States showing the largest disadvantage. The key difference? Countries with better family policies and support systems show smaller or even nonexistent happiness gaps between parents and non-parents!

Parenthood is all-consuming enough as it is. We don't need to make it harder by forcing ourselves into molds that don't fit.

So tell me— How have you broken free from rigid parenting expectations? Or if you're on the fence about parenthood, what alternative visions could you imagine that might work better for you than the standard narrative?

Thank you so much for reading this far!
Amanda

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PS- If you are looking for a therapist, check out my practice Therapy for Women Center. We have therapists licensed in 42 states across the country (and in Philly, the Main Line & NJ) and specialize in working with moms and women unsure if they want kids!

PPS- I have another substack! Did you know? Probably not because I am not good at advertising myself. It’s called Nuance Needed and is an extension of my podcast, where I debunk mental health misinformation and therapy speak and create space for nuance. Come check it out!