This morning I woke up to a spectacularly patronizing message stating that this person had concerns for me that because I am talking about my time being unsure about having kids. She stated and I quote, I want to caution you about the way it comes off. I have kind of gotten the impression that you regret your decision.”
To be clear, I absolutely don’t. I also think it is okay for people to regret having kids and this doesn’t mean they are a horrible person. In our society, regretting kids is so taboo, we liken it to wanting children dead, which it absolutely is not the case.
Anytime I have heard from someone who regrets having kids, it is about regretting their choice, and seeing a different life path for themselves, rather than not loving their actual children. Or they struggle so much with the circumstances around raising kids that this is what leads them to feeling regret. Time recently had a great nuanced article come out about this recently if you want to read it.
I know I don’t need to prove my love for my child. However, I did think it may be helpful to share a few things I wish I could tell my previous self. Please note, this does not mean I am telling YOU this; so it is totally fine if you do not resonate.
So without further ado, I would tell myself…
Temporarily changing doesn’t mean you have lost yourself.
I’ve wrote about how feeling regret was a huge reason I sat on the fence for so long. Another reason was I feared changing.
I used to look at moms that were struggling, unkempt with children throwing tantrums near them and think “please let that never be me.” I was terrified of not recognizing myself. I was terrified of completely losing myself to motherhood.
I was terrified when I read stories of women online who shared that luxury for them now was sitting in the car alone for 5 minutes before picking up their kids from school or drinking a hot cup of coffee in one sitting.
I can say as a parent now, those are still not luxuries to me (though sleeping in definitely is). However, I know a huge part of that is due to the fact that I have a supportive partner, parents who help and only only child. Even with that said though, I have had moments of not recognizing myself. I have had periods where my business, marriage or personal life has suffered in favor of needing to prioritize my child.
I used to think this would be an abomination. My business always came first. I thought to myself, “if this ever happens, it means I have CLEARLY lost my way!”
Now I have a bit of understanding that to have a child is to be in a constant state of transition. There WILL be periods of time where you have to drop other balls in favor for your kid. When your child gets sick (and infects your household) for the third time in three weeks, you need to survive however way you can.
That may look like cancelling on a friend, giving up a professional opportunity, or sleeping with your child in your bed (even though you swore that would never be you!!) because that is the only way to survive right now.
Prioritizing survival to get through a phase does not mean you have lost yourself.
You may have hang out in the woods for a while… whether this is to take cover, or to spend time in the woods because this is what life is right now…. but this does not mean you are necessarily lost.
We put so much pressure on parents (especially mothers) to bounce right back after having kids. To not letting having a child change us (or at least not in a negative way).
But change is not always a negative thing, even if your former self would have viewed how you changed as a failure.
And that to me is often missing in the conversation of motherhood.
We act as though it is such a shame that this woman doesn’t care as much how she looks…but maybe this woman is more free than before.
We say it is a travesty if a woman is not as ambitious in her career as she was before….but maybe this woman was a previous perfectionist workaholic who has found perspective.
Both of these examples apply to me… I’m not speaking for anyone else. And you will never not hear me beat the drum of how society doesn’t support parents which is also what causes women especially to be disproportionately negatively impacted by having children.
Sometimes we have to lose who we thought we were in order to find ourselves more deeply.
As always, I would love to hear from you in the comments. And paid subscribers if you have questions, please feel free to message me as I prepare for my first paid post for you all.
Hope you have a great week. You are probably doing better than you think.
Amanda
To find my other work, check out my book “Not Drinking Tonight”. To learn more about my practice or work with a therapist, visit Therapy for Women Center. Follow me on Instagram or Tiktok. I am also taking a VERY limited number of new clients, if you live any of the following states: PA, MO, FL, VT. If you are interested email info@therapyforwomencenter.com