Unexpected joy from things in motherhood I thought would be terrible

Or why wheels on the bus is my favorite song

Before I became a parent, I was obsessed with understanding exactly how motherhood would change me. I spent countless hours trying to game out ways to prevent the transformation everyone warned me about. I remember specifically plotting how to keep my Spotify account from being invaded by children's music – maybe a separate account just for her?

The idea of my carefully curated year-end Spotify wrapped being dominated by nursery rhymes felt somehow symbolic of everything I feared about losing myself to motherhood. Falling behind in my career. Losing my unique ideas and curiosity about the world. Fading friendships. Only being able to talk about diapers, nap schedules and developmental milestones.

It's almost comical now, watching my past game out how I could maintain control over something as small as a music algorithm. A lot of parents may say, I don’t care anymore because I have way more stuff to do!!! I’m too busy to worry about my spotify algorithm, which is true, but also doesn’t capture the whole story. I find that motherhood is similar to grief in some ways. It’s not that those things magically stop mattering, it’s more that your life expands so much that small things take up less space.

The Nature of Change

The thing about motherhood that nobody could explain to me (and maybe that's the point – maybe it defies explanation) is that the changes don't happen to you. You participate in them. You choose them. Over and over, not because you've been brainwashed by some maternal feelings (though maybe some of that is true), but because what you value shifts in ways you couldn't have anticipated.