Should You Face Your Fear of Having Kids?

How to decide if you actually want kids when fear and other barriers are holding you back

Once a month I answer your questions all about deciding to have kids and motherhood. If you would like to read my full answer below and/or get your question answered, upgrade your subscription. I am able to write Fence Sitter because of subscribers. Thank you!

Dear Amanda,

I have been in therapy for a year now and part of the reason is because I am trying to decide if I want to have children. I recently discovered that part of what’s holding me back is that I am afraid of having kids… specifically, I am afraid of becoming like my mom. Since discovering this, I’m worried that if I don’t have kids, I am giving up… or letting fear win. Should I face my fears and have kids?

Sincerely,

Fearful

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Dear Fearful,

This is such a good question and I think an example of something many people relate to…. myself included. I think one thing that is difficult about online advice is there has become a strong narrative that you must face every fear you have. “You can’t let your fear control you or make decisions for you!!” they say.

Or, people say, “I was scared too. You’re never ready, you will never not be scared, so just do it!” The underlying message here is that your fear isn’t relevant. Or it doesn’t matter because everyone is scared and does it anyway.

But people who say this are assuming that everyone DESIRES to have children, which is not true. Or at the very least, these people believe everyone must have children, so there is no point in unpacking whether you want to or not.

Things Are Changing

For the first time, there seems to be a real movement in young people questioning whether they want to have children. A huge reason for this as been the increased access to information via social media and the internet, along with the staggering costs of childcare and lack of support in the country. People are pushing back on assumptions that having children is a given and are trying to decide whether having children is worth it.

Saying fear isn’t relevant or encouraging others to face their fears is only advisable if that person definitely wants to have children. But if you are on the fence and not sure if you want them, fear is an incredibly relevant topic to explore. And you have every right to let fear be a reason you don’t have children.

It is your life, and you can not have children for any reason you choose.

Photo by Lawrence Chismorie on Unsplash

So, the key to discovering if you should “face your fear and have kids” is first to figure out if you desire to have them. I know, I know you are probably thinking, Amanda, I don’t know if I want kids, I just said that!

But hear me out. You may not be able to determine whether you want children because fear and desire are getting tangled together. In fact, while we are at it, as you try to make this choice there are three main things we have to tease apart…

1. Desire

2. Fear

3. Logistics & Barriers