It's Normal to Question Your Path Even After Getting Off the Fence
How to live with ambivalence
*MARK YOUR CALENDAR! Our support group was so great this month, we are planning on doing it again on Wednesday August 20th at 7:30pm EST!*
Okay let’s get into the reader question for this week.
A reader writes: "Amanda, I finally made my decision to have a child after years on the fence, and my son is now 8 months old. I love him more than I thought possible, but I still have days where I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't become a parent. Sometimes I even feel jealous of my childfree friends. Does this mean I made the wrong choice? Shouldn't I be 100% certain and happy now that I've made my decision?"
I get some version of this question at least once a week – from both parents and childfree people. And I want to start by saying: YOU ARE COMPLETELY NORMAL.
I used to think that once you made a big decision – especially one as life-altering as whether to have kids – you'd feel this overwhelming sense of rightness. The clouds would part, the angels would sing, and you'd never question yourself again.
What I've learned through my own journey and from talking with countless fence-sitters who finally made their choice (in both directions) is that ambivalence doesn't just vanish when you make a decision. It evolves, it shifts form, but it often sticks around – and that's completely normal.
The Fantasy of Complete Certainty
We've been fed this fantasy that "when you know, you know." It's in our movies, our books, our cultural narratives about parenthood. Women who "just know" they want to be mothers. People who are "born to be parents." And on the flip side, people who have "always known" they didn't want kids.
These narratives leave little room for those of us who experience ongoing ambivalence, who don't have that lightning bolt moment of certainty. They make us feel broken or wrong for not having that instant, unwavering clarity.
Ambivalence ≠ Regret
One of the most important things I've learned is that feeling occasional ambivalence doesn't mean you regret your choice. It just means you're capable of seeing multiple realities, of acknowledging the complexity of major life decisions.
Just because we think 'what if' or feel wistfulness or mixed emotions doesn't mean we've made the wrong decision. I can look at families with multiple children and feel a momentary pang about my daughter not having a sibling relationship. That doesn't mean I regret our decision to have only one child – it just means I can see beauty in multiple paths.
Why Ambivalence Persists
So why does ambivalence stick around even after we've made our choice and are generally happy with it? A few reasons:
1. Being on the fence means you saw merit in both options
If you were genuinely on the fence about having kids, that means you saw positives and negatives to both choices. Making a decision doesn't erase your ability to see those other positives – you're still the same thoughtful person who recognized the value in both paths.
If you're on the fence, that means there's a part of you who wants to have kids and there's a part of you that doesn't want to have kids... it is a totally bizarre assumption to think that that just is magically going to go away.
2. Your identity is still evolving
When you make a major life choice, whether to become a parent or to affirm a childfree life, your identity shifts. But identity isn't static – it's constantly evolving. Sometimes ambivalence simply reflects the growing pains of this evolution.
I've noticed this in myself. Before having my daughter, I had built much of my identity around my career and recovery work. Motherhood required shifting those pieces around, making room for this new, massive part of who I am. That reshuffling sometimes created friction, moments of "who am I now?" that manifested as ambivalence.
3. Life keeps presenting new information
Every phase of life brings new challenges, joys, and perspectives that might temporarily reactivate your ambivalence. When my daughter started having tantrums, I definitely had moments of thinking, "Oh god, what would life be like right now if we hadn't had kids?" Meanwhile, my childfree friends occasionally question their choice when they meet a particularly delightful child or enter a phase of life where they have more time and resources.
This doesn't mean either of us is unhappy with our choice. It means we're responsive to life's changing circumstances, and that's healthy.
When Ambivalence Becomes Something More
While ambivalence is normal, there is a difference between occasional "what ifs" and persistent unhappiness. If you find yourself constantly wishing you'd made the opposite choice, feeling trapped, or unable to find joy in your current path, that might be something more serious than ambivalence.
But for most of us who made thoughtful choices, occasional moments of wondering about the road not taken are just part of the package. They're not a sign we chose wrong – they're a sign we chose consciously, with full awareness of what we were gaining and what we were giving up.
Embracing the "Both/And"
One of the most liberating realizations I've had is that I can hold seemingly contradictory truths simultaneously:
I can be deeply grateful for my daughter while also acknowledging that parenting is sometimes brutally hard
I can be confident in our choice to have only one child while occasionally feeling sad about what that means
I can recognize that my life would have been meaningful and joyful if I'd chosen not to have children, while still being certain that having my daughter was right for me
This "both/and" thinking is so much more honest than pretending we're 100% certain all the time. It allows us to be complex, thoughtful humans rather than cardboard cutouts who never question or wonder.
A Better Measure of Success
Maybe the goal isn't to eliminate ambivalence altogether. Maybe a better measure of whether you've made the right choice isn't "Do I feel completely certain 100% of the time?" but rather:
Can I find joy and meaning in the path I've chosen, even with its challenges?
Do I generally feel aligned with my core values?
When I do feel ambivalence, can I acknowledge it without being overwhelmed by it?
By these measures, many of us who still experience occasional ambivalence have absolutely made the right choice for ourselves.
A Message for Those Still on the Fence
If you're still trying to decide whether to have children, don't wait for the magical moment when all ambivalence disappears. For many of us, that moment never comes … and that's okay.
Instead, aim for "confident enough" – enough clarity to make a thoughtful choice that aligns with your values and desires, while accepting that you might still occasionally wonder about the path not taken.
And know that whatever you choose, you're not alone in those moments of wondering. You can live a full and meaningful life while still being human enough to occasionally ask "what if?" – and then returning, with gratitude, to the life you chose.
xx,
Amanda
Your posts are always helpful 😊