Every Choice Holds Grief: Navigating the Parenthood Decision

Answering a reader question

Dear Amanda,

I've been thinking a lot about whether I want to have kids. Sometimes I feel like I want them, but other times I'm really unsure. I see everyone around me either completely certain or completely against it, but I'm somewhere in the middle. Does being uncertain mean I shouldn't have them? How did you make your choice?

Sincerely, On the Fence

Dear On the Fence,

Your letter really resonates with me, because this uncertainty you're feeling is so much more common than most people realize. Recently, someone shared a quote with me from C.S. Lewis that I think captures this perfectly: "To love at all is to be vulnerable." That's exactly what this whole journey is about - vulnerability at every step.

I think there's this narrative out there that if you're on the fence about having kids, it means you shouldn't have them. But I want to challenge that. Having kids is a huge life decision - it's okay to not be 100% sure. In fact, I think your uncertainty shows that you're taking this decision seriously, which is exactly what you should be doing.

What's really moving to me about our generation is how mindful we're being about this choice. We're asking ourselves deeper questions than our parents did. While they might have thought "Well, I won't physically punish my kids like my parents did, so I'll be a great parent," we understand there's so much more to it. We're thinking about breaking cycles of generational trauma, dealing with our own mental health issues, and being conscious of the kind of parents we want to be.

Here's something that isn't talked about enough: there's grief involved no matter which path you choose.