We're on Opposite Sides of the Fence! How Can We Talk About This?

Answering a reader question about how to bridge the gap and prompts I recommend

This is another installment of Dear Amanda where I answer reader questions about dilemmas that fellow fence sitters are facing and try to give them wisdom, guidance or help them make a decision. This series is for paid subscribers only. In order to have your question answered and read the full archive, upgrade your subscription!

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Dear Amanda, my husband and I are on opposite sides of the fence - I don't want kids, and he can't envision life without becoming a dad. We're in therapy to navigate this issue because we want to stay together. Our therapist says we won't find our way through this rationally (which is frustrating since we're very rational people!). We've set aside time for emotional conversations about this topic, but we tend to sugarcoat our true feelings to protect each other. Do you have recommendations for questions or prompts to explore this sensitive topic on an emotional level, and ways to hold ourselves accountable to be fully honest in these conversations?

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Oh my gosh, I feel this question SO deeply. When I read "we're extremely rational people" I immediately thought "ah, this is going to be the challenge." Because your therapist is absolutely right – as annoying as it might be to hear!

The decision to have kids is not a fully rational one. Though I completely understand the temptation and also have argued that we cannot discount the rational reasons to have them or not! Nevertheless, you do have to lean into your emotions to make this decision and I think that's what makes it so frustrating for many of us, especially those who pride themselves on being rational and logical in other areas of life.

I think there's something particularly tricky about trying to approach the kids question from a purely rational standpoint. It's a bit like trying to decide whether to fall in love with someone by making a pro/con list. Yes, the list might be helpful, but ultimately love isn't a decision we make with spreadsheets. We can’t exactly quantify why we love someone or why… and honestly that is really beautiful when you think about it.

Photo by Joshua Olsen on Unsplash

Create a Space for True Exploration

First things first, I think something crucial to emphasize here is that these conversations are not final decisions. Create an agreement with each other that you can say anything about this topic and it doesn't mean you've decided one way or another.

Imagine it as a big, wide open space where you can freely explore both sides of the fence and everything in between, without holding anything against each other. This is about exploration, not commitment.

When we're afraid that saying our truth means something is "decided" or "final," we tend to hold back. But real exploration requires the safety to say things that might change, evolve, or that you might not even fully believe yet. Give each other permission to try on different perspectives without it meaning anything permanent.

Helpful Prompts