Dear Amanda, My Husband Wants Kids, I'm on the Fence...

An important dilemma

This is the first installment of Dear Amanda, where I answer reader questions about dilemmas that fellow fence sitters are facing and try to give them wisdom, guidance or help them make a decision. This series is for paid subscribers only. In order to have your question answered and read the full archive, consider upgrading your subscription!

Dear Amanda,

My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 5. We always assumed we would have a family, but I just turned 32 and at this point I am feeling more and more on the fence. I am now completely reconsidering if I even want to have kids. My husband on the other hand is more ready that ever. He feels like we are approaching our mid-thirties and he can’t wait to join the parent club. When I talk to him about this, he chalks up my feelings to just nerves. What should I do? Does this mean we are doomed? Some of my friends say this probably means we will need to get divorced. HELP!

New Fence Sitter

Photo by Aubrey Odom on Unsplash

Dear New Fence Sitter,

I want to start by acknowledging how scary this is. You have been with your partner (hopefully happily!) for almost a decade and now you have serious concerns that you will not be able to stay together. People saying “you will probably get divorced” is also not helpful. The truth is nobody knows how this will shake out for your marriage, not you, not your friends and definitely not me. I think it’s important to note that there are quite a few steps between this conflict and divorce. Let’s break them down.

Whenever I am working with a client on a difficult problem they are trying to solve I find it helpful to break down the different possible outcomes. This helps us physicalize what the actual possibilities are and helps us from spinning into the feeling of “everything will fall apart and be awful!!!!!!”