Dear Amanda, How Does Having a Child Change Your Romantic Relationship?

The good and the bad news...

Dear Amanda, I am also a "fence sitter" on the topic of having children. For context, my partner and I have been together for almost 5 years and are a point where we're talking about marriage and if we want kids together. Also, he has two kids (9 and 6) from a previous marriage. My main concern in all of this is that having a child will drastically change our relationship so much that everything I love about it will be gone once a child comes along. We have put a lot of time and effort into working on our relationship so that it feels secure and healthy for both of us, but I'm worried that all of the time and mental/physical effort that goes into raising a child together will mean that we can no longer prioritize our relationship and it will therefore eventually fail.

Hi! Thank you so much for writing in. I think this is a great question and an important topic. If you would like me to answer your question for an upcoming post, upgrade your subscription.

I think for far too long people have assumed that kids have a positive effect on partnerships (I’m sure we all know of someone who had a baby in attempts to salvage a marriage). Unfortunately, this rarely works. Having a child can absolutely have a negative impact on your relationship and I think it is an important consideration.

Any time you are adding stress to a partnership, there is the potential for it to harm it or make it more difficult. And having a child is in essence, committing to a permanent stressor. However, stressors can also be a force for good, as they cause us to re-evaluate our priorities. Glennon Doyle says, “the Greek root of the word crisis is "to sift", as in, to shake out the excesses and leave only what's important.” Stressors can help us see what is working or not working in our relationship and be motivated to make changes.

The Bad

Having a child intensifies whatever is happening currently in your relationship. Parenting puts a magnifying glass on everything. The highs are higher, the lows are lower. If you and your partner fight in an unhealthy way, it is highly likely this will be worse when you add a baby to the mix. If you struggle to make time for each other, having a baby will make this more difficult. If there is unequal division of labor in your home, this will be exacerbated after having a child. If you don’t communicate well, this will be intensified.